Baten Kaitos Talent Search
by Ms. Kreatopita
Summary: OH MY GOD! FINALLY UPDATED! REJOICE! It's the newest Skywide sensation! Tune in to see eight hopefuls compete for fame, fortune, and...Giacomo's praise? See Kalas do standup, Lyude sing, Gibari rock and Melodia, well... we don't quite know! Slightly OOC
1. Meet the Judges and Contestants

**Baten Kaitos Talent Search**

_(A well-lit amphitheater is crowded with hundreds of bustling spectators, some just entering, others buzzing about the performance. GELDOBLAME can be seen in the front row with a giant bucket of popcorn in his lap and an immense fountain drink in one of his pudgy hands. Next to him, AZDAR attempts to take some popcorn, but GELDOBLAME snatches it away to the other side, only to have SKEED kidnap a handful of kernels. Before anyone can argue, the lights dim. A huge LCD screen is lowered, a light show begins, and pop music booms throughout the theater. FADROH appears after a minute from backstage and the crowd cheers. The music volume is lowered as FADROH stands at a center stage microphone.)_

**Fadroh: **Greetings, people of the Sky! _(Crowd cheers)_ Welcome to Komo Mai our inter-island talent competition! I'm your host, Fadroh, and have we got a show tonight! Out of the thousands that tried out a few months ago, our judges have narrowed the number down to eight extraordinary finalists. Let's meet our judges, shall we? First, we have, ruler of the sky nation, King Ladekhan! _(Crowd cheers and whistles as LADEKHAN stands up from the judges' table and waves to the crowd)_

**Ana: **_(yelling over crowd) _We love you, sir!

**Ladekhan: **_(blushing)_ My thanks, dear Ana. _(Sits back down)_

**Fadroh: **Next we have the lovely Queen Corellia, ruler of Anuenue! _(CORELLIA smiles and nods) _and finally, the British-sounding general of Alfard, Giacomo! _(Crowd boos, only GELDOBLAME is clapping enthusiastically. GIACOMO looks back towards the audience)_

**Giacomo: **Be quiet! Just be glad that Melodia isn't in this seat! _(Entire crowd shudders)_

**Fadroh: **Don't mock my lady! Anyhow, why don't we see who our finalists are. This will also be the order of performance for this evening, so keep an eye out for your favorite. _(Screen shows green room) _Melodia! _(Whole theater gasps as MELODIA is shown slipping her normal clothes off to put on her costume. MELODIA stops midway and yells at the camera)_

**Melodia: **GET OUT OF HERE YOU PERVERT! _(slams door)_

**Fadroh: **Wow. Uh… moving on! _(sweat drops as he flips through note cards)_ Umm…Savyna! _(SAVYNA can be seen tying her dancing shoes in a flowing royal purple dress with plenty of cleavage. Male whoops can be heard) _Mizuti! _(MIZUTI is shown practicing a chakram dance in her normal outfit. Crowd applauds) _Folon! _(FOLON is shown in a dark green gymnastics outfit practicing acrobatics with AYME. Clapping is slightly reduced)_ Lyude! _(Deafening shrieks are emitted from the girls in the crowd as LYUDE is shown sitting sideways on a couch with his feet propped up and his head leaning on his hand. He wears red shirt with the Imperial crest on it, covered with a black leather jacket, faded jeans, and black polished boots. He turns his head to the camera to show off his small gold hoop earrings and winks. Shieking intensifies) _Ok, ok, ok! Don't scream until your lungs pop out of your mouth! We also have Gibari! _(Shrieking continues as GIBARI is shown in leather pants a black muscle shirt drumming rapid rudiments on a practice pad) _And all I got were some claps… Then there's Xelha, and finally, Kalas! _(XELHA is shown in 1920s flapper outfit helping KALAS tie his teal colored tie and dusting off his navy blue suit). _Eight hopeful performers, only one winner. Their fate will be in your hands as you vote using your ballot magnus that you were given upon entering the theater. The four with the lowest amount of votes will be eliminated, and the other four get to move onto the semi finals. Only two will move on to the finals, and the winner of the competition will be decided by our three marvelous judges. The lucky person selected will get 1 million G as well as new airship and a contract with the Inter-Island Talent Agency. And with that being said, let the show begin! _(Loud applause as lights dim once again.) _


	2. Round 1: Melodia and Savyna

Disclaimers: I forgot this for the previous chapter, but no, I don't own Baten Kaitos, any talent shows, or, for this chapter, the musical Annie or Evanescence

Round 1: Melodia and Savyna 

_(Light dim on stage and pink lights softly relight the stage. From backstage FADROH speaks via microphone system.)_

**Fadroh:** Our first performer is a lovely maiden from Mira, and heir to the Calbren fortune. Here to sing "Tomorrow", it's Lady Melodia! _(Crowd applauds. MELODIA happily skips on stage wearing a yellow dress and carrying a polka dotted yellow parasol. Piano music start playing "Tomorrow" from the Annie musical. )_

**Melodia: **The sun won't come out tomorrow Bet you stupid mortals that tomorrow You'll be dead Don't try to fight back tomorrow All of you will drown from fear and sorrow In your head When you all go to hell Oh well Too bad I'll just laugh of my rear And cheer Like mad! Oh! The sun won't come out tomorrow Malpercio's gonna slay you all tomorrow I can't wait! Oh! Tomorrow, tomorrow Corruption, tomorrow You've only got one more day! _(Song ends. Lighting returns to normal. Entire crow is dead silent, no pun intended. LADEKHAN clear his throat and tries to speak as strongly as possible)_

**Ladekhan: **Well, I see you adjusted the lyrics in your own…how should I say this, morbid way. _(MELODIA leers at him. LADEKHAN gestures by putting his hands in front of him)_ Not to say that's a bad thing, for creativity comes in many…forms. With that aside, I would have to say that was not your best performance pitch wise. There were some notes that barely grazed the scale of E major, and thus, to a trained ear, the song did not sound as stable. In short, it was simply "alright" for me. _(Crowd claps in agreement)_

**Corellia: **Melodia, I think this song was perfect for your vocal range. However, think about the audience and how they will react to the song. As a singer, you want to entertain, not frighten.

**Melodia: **_(In a haughty voice) _Don't you see that's exactly what I want to do? Once the evil god is reborn, the world will fall into eternal darkness, and all will bow to the marvelous will of Malpercio! _(Laughs crazily)_

**Giacomo: **_(Interrupts, stops MELODIA's laughing) _I have only three words for you; that absolutely sucked! _(Crowd cheers excitedly, except for GELDOBLAME)_

**Geldoblame: **_(Whispers through clenched teeth)_ Giacomo, I want Melodia to win! Remember our "deal"?

**Giacomo: **_(Turns around to face GELDOBLAME and shouts for all to hear)_ Oh, why don't you stuff it up your- Never mind. You're not worth the breath it takes to insult you! _(Turns back to face MELODIA) _Let me put it this way; if someone were to offer me my own island in exchange for listening to you sing, I'd just as soon jump off that island into the Taintclouds! _(Crowd "ooh" fills theater)_

**Geldoblame: **_(Infuriated) _Fine, be that way! I'll just leave then! I have more important things to do than watch a stupid talent show! Like going back to Alfard and demoting you! You've now moved down from sergeant to general, mister! _(Stands up and starts to waddle towards the exit.) _Anyone care to join me? _(Looks at AZDAR, SKEED, and VALLYE, all who remain in their seats. GELDOBLAME continues waddling. Just then, FADROH runs out from behind stage.)_

**Fadroh: **My Emperor! Allow me, your most loyal servant, to accompany you! _(Starts to sprint of the stage when he stops short and faces the audience.) _Uh, whoever catches this microphone can be the host, I suppose! _(Chucks the microphone into the sea of people, who all dash for it. After a moment of fighting, ANA victoriously leaps onto the stage with the microphone just as the theater doors swing behind GELDOBLAME and FADROH)_

**Ana: **Wow, this is great! Must be the kindest thing anyone from the Empire has ever done! _(Crowd laughs) _Well, now that the porker and the twit have left the building, it's time to continue on. Any more comments, judges? _(LADEKHAN, CORELLIA, and GIACOMO shake their head) _Then Melodia is free to leave the stage.

**Melodia: **_(Angrily, red eyes glowing devilishly) _Just you wait! I'll get my revenge no matter what it takes! _(Storms off stage)_

**Ana: **Now, our next performeris proud to call Anuenue her home, _(Crowd cheers and whistles) _, and was formerly a renowned soldier and fighter. Here to dance to "My Immortal" please welcome Savyna!_ (Applause. SAVYNA walks on stage in her long royal purple dress and black satin dance shoes. She bows, then the lights dim. SAVYNA positions herself on the floor with her hands behind her and one leg crossed over the other, ready for the first move. A blue and white spotlight shines on her and the music begins. After the piano introduction, SAVYNA begins to perform graceful ballet, with complex spins, weightless gliding, and unpredicted flexibility. AZDAR can be seen in the crowd tearing up.)_

**Azdar: **_(whispering to REBLYS who has taken the vacant seat) _My goodness, is she a handsome woman! Will you just look at that! _(Blows nose on handkerchief)_

**Reblys: **_(also whispering) _Oh yeah! I think I now see why Gibari was able to stand being in that group with all the other idiotic kids. _(Stares ahead) _Such beautiful curves, such mystique, and not to mention a nice looking- _(SKEED hits REBLYS upside the head)_

**Skeed: **_(in a hushed voice) _If you don't mind, you moron, people are trying to watch! _(Faces stage again. Without SKEED seeing, REBLYS gives him the finger, then turns back to AZDAR) _

**Reblys: **As I was saying…_(Crowd cheers interrupt him. The song is over and SAVYNA stops dancing. ANA walks over to where she stands)_

**Ana: **That was beautiful! Even I didn't know that you were so full of grace and talent! How long have you been dancing?

**Savyna: **I took lessons as a child, but I wasn't able to practice seriously until after I left the Imperial Army. For me, when I'm dancing, it's sort of like I'm able to express emotions that I often don't show.

**Ana: **That's wonderful! Judges, any comments?

**Ladekhan: **Savyna, dear, are you still single? _(Crowd laughs. LADEKHAN chuckles)_ Sorry, I did not mean to be so direct! It is just that you are able to capture the audience and take them places they never thought possible. Excellent job!

**Corellia: **I loved everything about your performance. Your outfit, your presentation, your choice of song, it all was very brilliant!

**Giacomo: **It was good, but there were some parts during which I wanted to sleep. _(Crowd boos) _Liveliness is key when it comes to multimillion G performing. You need more…presence. _(SAVYNA nods. The crowd claps as she leaves the stage)_

**Ana: **And that was Savyna! After the break, we'll see if Mizuti or Folon can win the audience's votes with their amazing acts! And now, a word from our sponsor, Nashira Sea Bream Farms!


	3. Round 2: Mizuti and Folon

**Disclaimers:** **Baten Kaitos and any talent shows aren't in my possession, nor is "Numa Numa" or The Blue Man Group**

Round 2: Mizuti and Folon 

_(Nashira Sea Beam Farms commercial ends)_

**Ana: **Welcome back! After a slightly bumpy start, it's time to see if our next two performers can take it to the next level! On deck is an adorable little wizard who came all the way from Duhr to perform phenomenal magic tricks tonight! Please give a warm Sky welcome to the "Great" Mizuti! _(Audience claps. A spotlight shines as MIZUTI floats on stage with her signature chakram. She bows)_

**Mizuti: **Thank you all! The Great Mizuti not be planning to disappoint! Get ready to be amazed! Mystified! Blown away! _ (The song "Numa Numa" begins playing loud and MIZUTI begins to dance around. She starts off with tossing her chakram behind her, doing a little jig, and quickly moving her hand behind her to catch it before it nearly slices her. The audience claps. Next, she levitates the chakram parallel to the ground. MIZUTI reaches her hand in, showing that there's nothing beneath. When her hand reemerges, however, she's holding a bunnycat. The audience cheers. She reaches back in to pull out several more items, such as a sword, a roast beef, and an autographed, framed picture of a shirtless GIBARI, each one getting a bigger cheer. Next, MIZUTI pulls out a chair from the chakram and sets it next to her.)_

**Mizuti: **Alrighty, the Great Mizuti be needing a volunteer! Now, who will be picked? _(She reaches into her chakram and, by the scruff of his Imperial jacket, pulls a shocked SKEED out. The audience goes wild as SKEED lands with a thud and angrily gets back up.) _

**Skeed: **_(In a mad tone) _I have no wish to have anything to do with your damned witchcraft-

**Mizuti: **_(Interrupts) _Why be Mr. Skeed so sad? He should be having fun! Smiling! Letting his inner child run free! Here, do you want this bunnycat? No? How about a cute little hograt? _(Reaches into chakram and pulls out hograt. SKEED stays still as a stone) _

**Skeed: **If you think you are going to make me smile, you are foolish to do so! I'm not a weakling with emotions like my brother! _(MIZUTI flinches and digs into her chakram. To everyone's shock, she pulls out a head with red hair by the scruff of a leather jacket)_

**Lyude: **I heard that, you know! _(The crowd goes ballistic. As MIZUTI helps LYUDE out of the chakram, some scream or faint from having seen the sight of a floating head. Finally, Lyude is standing on solid ground in his red shirt, leather jacket, jeans, and black boots.) _I know what will make you laugh so hard you might soil your pants! _(Leans over to MIZUTI and whispers in her ear. She shakes her head, so LYUDE whispers more. Finally she nods) _

**Mizuti: **Alrighty, then, if you say so! _(MIZUTI sits LYUDE down in the chair and waves her hands in his face. His slowly close and his head rests on his chest.) _I be putting Lyude in a trance. He be at your control and do whatever you want!

**Skeed: **How do I know you are not pulling my leg? I know! Lyude, start cussing! _(MIZUTI snaps her fingers twice._ _LYUDE starts whipping out swear words as if he were on South Park. SKEED smiles a bit.) _Heh. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes isn't so perfect now, is he! Now! You are being chased by a rabid Pow! _(MIZUTI snaps twice again. LYUDE starts screaming and running around the stage.) _

**Lyude: **OH MY #&$#$& GOD! RABID POW! DON'T EAT ME YOU $$$&!

**Skeed: **_(laughing moderately) _This is quite fun! I see the swearing hasn't worn off yet. Lyude! You are now a bellydancer! _(Twice MIZUTI snaps her fingers. LYUDE stops and begins a sensual dance, seductively swinging his hips from side to side and making fluid hand motions. Many girls scream with delight and SKEED is now laughing so hard that he's crying.)_

**Mizuti: **See, the Great Mizuti made you smile!

**Skeed: **_(chuckling and wiping his eyes) _I haven't laughed that hard in ages! Oh my God! I gotta pee! _(Runs off stage in a laughing fit, the stone cold VALLYE trotting close behind. As they leave the theater, the crowd claps and cheers enthusiastically. LYUDE and MIZUTI bow.)_

**Ana: **_(laughing as she speaks) _That was hilarious! I couldn't stop laughing! Now, Lyude, were you really in a trance?

**Lyude: **Not really, but don't tell Skeed that! _(Puts finger to his lips) _If you all don't say anything, I promise another bellydance at the end of the show! _(Girls squeal and LYUDE walks off stage to prepare for his act.) _

**Ladekhan: **Mizuti, I thought your act was very well thought out and brilliantly executed! How you pull items out of your chakram is just fascinating! Great job!

**Corellia: **I would have to say the same for you. You're very entertaining and you kept the audience amazed and laughing. You did well!

**Giacomo: **Impressive. I can see you getting through the next round, but you might want to consider a new outfit. _(Crowd disagrees) _Fine then, go with what you have! _(Crowd applauds. MIZUTI leaves the stage)_

**Ana: **Next up is a bad boy from Alfard, no pun intended, who's acrobatic skills have dazzled audiences everywhere. Here to show his abilities, Folon! _(FOLON walks on stage with a swagger in his step. The audience claps somewhat as hw waves to the crowd)_

**Folon: **Are you ready for me, losers? _(Begins his act. FOLON pulls of flips to the tune of The Blue Man Group. He handstands and executes no-handed cartwheels. However, as he attempts a triple flip, FOLON lands in the splits and a cracking sound is heard. Entire crowd winces.) (In higher pitched voice) _That was supposed to happen! _(Groans and falls over) _

**Ana: **Oh my! That's gotta hurt! Well, while the paramedics take Folon to the hospital, we'll take a break. Up next are the highly anticipated men, Lyude and Gibari! And now, a message from the Azha Protectors Foundation.


	4. Round 3: Lyude and Gibari

**Disclaimers: I don't own Baten Kaitos, any television talent shows, the band Queen, (the goregeous) Constantine Maroulis, or Led Zepplin, but I do deserve the right to make Lyude look and sound drop-dead sexy!**

Round 3: Lyude and Gibari 

_(Public service announcement for Azha Protector's Foundation ends)_

**Ana: **Welcome back to the show! Four of our contestants have already performed, and only four remain. Get ready girls, because our next contestant from Mintaka is ready to sweep you off your feet with his crooner's voice. Singing selections from "Bohemian Rhapsody", give it up for Lyude! _(Crowd cheers wildly as LYUDE comes on stage in his red shirt, black leather jacket, jeans, and black boots. He sits down at a piano and a band behind him gets ready, including GIBARI at electric guitar. Once set, the lights dim and LYUDE is bathed in a soft blue light. He plays the piano introduction with passion and then begins to sing in a beautiful Constantine Maroulis-like voice.) _

**Lyude: **Mama, just killed a man,  
Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he's dead.  
Mama, life had just begun,  
But now I've gone and thrown it all away.  
Mama, ooh, didn't mean to make you cry,   
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow,  
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters.  
_(People in the audience can be seen waving their arms from side to side or waving light Magnus.)_  
Too late, my time has come,  
Sends shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time.  
Goodbye, ev'rybody, I've got to go,  
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth.

_(Grabs microphone and walks from piano to the middle of the stage. Sings with feeling)_  
Mama, ooh, I don't want to die,  
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.

_(GIBARI plays guitar interlude as LYUDE holds his note. Song transitions to part after the famous "Galileo" part and onto the other rock section.)_

**Chorus: **Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me.

_(LYUDE starts head banging to GIBARI's guitar solo and most of the crowd is on their feet bouncing to the beat and cheering. LYUDE sings in a strong voice)_

**Lyude: **So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye.  
So you think you can love me and leave me to die.  
Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby,   
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.  
_(LYUDE soon returns to the piano and the music becomes calm again as he plays the piano part. He gradually sings softer.) _  
Nothing really matters, Anyone can see,  
Nothing really matters,  
Nothing really matters to me.

(LYUDE plays final notes while sustaining his own and allows the final chords to ring. Entire crowd stands up and give a standing ovation, along with girls' screams and various calls of "We love you Lyude!" LYUDE humbly rises from the piano bench and bows. Each of the judges try to calm the crowd down as ANA walks up to LYUDE.)

**Ana: **Now** that **was unbelievable! I've never heard anyone sing like that! Anyhow, Lyude, you are known all over the Sky as a very talented musician when it comes to instruments. What made you decide to sing instead tonight?

**Lyude: **Actually, it was my nurse Almarde who encouraged me to present an act that didn't involve just instruments. From the time I was a child, she taught me to sing as well as play music, and she would always compliment me on my voice. But throughout my childhood, I was afraid to share that talent because I was afraid I would get picked on. If it weren't for Almarde, I wouldn't be up here giving my first public singing performance. In fact…(Looks over crowd until he points to one of the first rows on the right) Almarde, will you please come up on stage? (A surprised and teary-eyed ALMARDE is urged onto the stage by friendly audience members. LYUDE walks over and helps her up onto the stage. Once there, the two embrace, and the audience cheers. ALMARDE stands back to look at her foster son)

**Almarde: **(wiping away tears from her eyes) Lyude, my darling boy! I'm so proud of you!

**Lyude: **(with a tear running down his cheek) You helped make it happen. Thank you. (ALMARDE returns to her seat and during a final applause, SKEED and VALLYE walk into the theater and head back to their seats.)

**Skeed: **(with sincere disappointment) Aw, we missed our brother's performance! I wanted to hear him sing!

**Vallye: **How dare you show any emotions at all! First you go laughing your head off like an inferior commoner, and now you feel sorry that we didn't see Lyude embarrass himself by singing like some non-Imperi-

**Azdar: **(Interrupting) Here, Skeed, I caught a Magna Essence of the performance if you want to hear it. (SKEED holds the magnus up to his ear. Within a minute he stars to cry.)

**Skeed: **(Sniffing) That's so beautiful! (VALLYE slaps SKEED hard behind the head and motions him to give the Magnus back and sit down. Just then, LADEKHAN starts to comment LYUDE)

**Ladekhan: **That was a very powerful performance! I can tell that you truly put your heart into it. You are by far the best performer we have had all evening! _(Applause)_

**Corellia: **Indeed, you have the ability to express your emotions and put on a beautiful performance. I would like to see you win this competition!

**Giacomo: **I would be lying if I said I was- _(Crowd boos) _Let me finish! I would be lying if I said that I wasn't impressed by that performance. _(Crowd cheers)_ You are like a professional, though you'll have to hope this allows you to win back the hearts of those in Alfard. Keep it up. _(Crowd claps and LYUDE walks backstage)_

**Ana: **Well, the bar has indeed been set higher by Lyude. We'll have to see if our next performer, a Diadem native, can rise to the occasion. You've seen him rock with a guitar, and now, he'll be showing off his amazing drumming skills. I feel it's an honor to present one from my own country and one of my best friends, the one and only Gibari! _(Crowd cheers wildly. GIBARI walks on stage in a tight muscle shirt that shows off his abs and black leather pants. He sits down at a drum set in the middle of the stage and whips out his drumsticks. After tapping a few beats with his feet, GIBARI begins a complex drum solo from Led Zepplin's song "Moby Dick". The crowd is amazed. AZDAR and REBLYS have to practically yell to hold a conversation.)_

**Azdar: **That man is phenomenal, Reblys! How long has he been playing for?

**Reblys: **Ever since I can remember! We had to get him a drum set by the time he was ten, because he would bang on pots and cause a ruckus in all of Nashira! But that wasn't the main reason!

**Azdar: **Really? I would think a drum set would cause even more complaint!

**Reblys: **Yeah, but it was becoming hell on our blacksmith bills! _(Focuses on stage again. GIBARI wraps up his solo with a bang, and the crowd cheers wildly. GIBARI gets up, bows, and walks over to ANA)_

**Ana: **My goodness, Gibari! You really blew the audience away! As a friend, I already know a lot about you, but would you like to tell the crowd a little bit about yourself?

**Gibari: **_(scratching head) _Well, I'm not too good with telling life stories, but I'll give it a shot. I first discovered my love for rock music when I was about eight. Ana here had invited me to her mom's bar to watch a group called Cloud Magnus perform. From there on, I was hooked, and I would always scrape up money to buy the latest rock, alternative, or heavy metal Magna Essence, and sometimes I would play along to them. As time went on, I got my own drum set and electric guitar, and in my free time, I would perform around Diadem. And…that's about it! _(Crowd cheers again)_

**Ana: **Excellent! Judges, your comments, please?

**Ladekhan: **Let me just say for the record that I attended Gibari's first performance, and that he's come a long way since then! I often don't use this word as a king, but you did an "awesome" job! _(Crowd cheers)_

**Corellia: **That was quite fascinating! I was entertained the entire time, and I'm sure the audience was too. Nice work!

**Giacomo: **I fail to see the talent behind someone who just comes up here and bangs on cylinders and disks, that's just my opinion. _(Audience boos)_

**Ladekhan: **_(playfully)_Giacomo, I think the only reason you say that is because the concept of drumming is just to complicated for you! _(Audience laughs) _

**Ana: **Thank you, judges! One last time for Gibari, everyone! _(Applause as GIBARI walks backstage) _Coming up next, our final to performers Xelha and Kalas will show you what they've got before the voting lines open. We'll be right back after a word from our local sponsor, Komo Mai Cookies!


	5. Round 4: Xelha and Kalas

**Disclaimers: I don't own Baten Kaitos, any television talent shows, the musical "Chicago" or any of the jokes mentioned.**

**Also, I deeply apologize for making you all wait; my Internet has been down, and I've also been caught up in another fanfic. Go check it out! It's good!**

Round 4: Xelha and Kalas 

_(Commercial for Komo Mai cookies ends)_

**Ana: **Welcome back to the show! We just saw two amazing men knock our socks off; it's now up to our final two contestants to come out and make their impressions! Our last female for the evening is the prestigious ruler of Wazn, here tonight to show the "unruly" side of being a queen. Here to dance to "All That Jazz", give it up for Xelha! _(Crowd cheers. XELHA walks on stage in her 1920's flapper outfit, complete with the head feather, black frilly mini-dress, fishnet hose, and a garter. A chair has been set up for her in the middle of the stage with its back facing the audience. XELHA sits in the chair so that she is sitting backwards in the chair, facing the audience. The song begins with a silky clarinet solo. As the singing begins, XELHA begins to perform a very voluptuous dance using the chair. It's obvious that she's really getting into it, and as the dancing continues getting more enticing, KALAS and LYUDE watch from backstage.)_

**Lyude: **Oh my goodness! I never thought that anyone from Wazn, Xelha especially, could perform such an obscene dance!

**Kalas: **_(staring at XELHA blankly) _Huh?

**Lyude: **I said…

**Kalas: **Don't get your tight jeans all up in a knot, Lyude, I heard you the first time. I was just…distracted. _(LYUDE rolls his eyes and both continue to watch. The dancing is starting to get really hot and heavy.)_

**Lyude: **_(Stuttering) _I…I don't know what it is, Kalas, but right now I feel as if I've been…you know…aroused in a libidinous way.

**Kalas: **_(looking at LYUDE)_Is that Alfardian or something for "I wish I were that chair right about now"? No wait…_(pretends to pull out a dictionary) _Or is that your way of saying "There's a party in my-"

**Lyude: **_(in disbelief) _Kalas! How dare you! I would never have such impure thoughts of how Xelha dances, the way she slinks around the stage, the manner in which she caresses that inanimate chair…_(voice gradually becomes whimsical and hugs his shoulders) _…how her garters show off her smooth upper leg, the way she suggestively captures the eyes of even the hardest man, how she makes me feel all fuzzy and warm and excited and lustful and…

**Kalas: **_(interrupting) _Horny? _(LYUDE glowers at KALAS as the song ends. Lots of male whoops and hollers can be heard. XELHA curtsies and blows a kiss into the crowd. All three judges seem a bit disturbed.)_

**Ladekhan: **_(with wide eyes)_ Am I dreaming or something? No offense, my dear Xelha, it's just that I would never expect someone of your stature to pull off such suggestive dancing! Perhaps this wasn't the right act for you to do.

**Corellia: **Xelha, let me tell you something, woman to woman. You don't have to stoop as low as coming onto this stage and dirty dancing in order to get people to notice you. It will only degrade you and diminish your influence on other people who trust you. So please, don't sell yourself for such purposes. _(Some women agree and clap)_

**Giacomo: **When I agreed to do this show, I don't think it stated anywhere on the contract that I had to watch or approve of some shrewd broad like you shaking your bottom like you own the place! _(Commotion starts, male protests versus female arguments) _ Now tell me, is that your only talent?

**Xelha: **_(meekly) _I only wanted to show people that I'm not all work and business. I wanted others to see that I can let loose just like anyone else! Why can't anyone see that I only wanted to express another side of myself? _(Starts to cry and runs off stage, bumping into LYUDE)_

**Lyude: **_(softly)_ Xelha, are you alright?

**Xelha: **_(sniffing, hugs LYUDE) _They didn't like me! I showed my fun side for a change, and all they can do is put me down. _(Sobs) _I should have gone with my original act and done my memorization of the Declaration of Independence!

**Savyna: **_(walking over and whispering to KALAS) _Some little banshee needs a bit of therapy! She had more raunchy moments than a "Sex and the City" TV marathon!

**Lyude: **_comforting XELHA by slowly rubbing her back) _It's alright, it's alright. Come now, I thought you were sexy out there. _(realizes what he just said and covers his mouth)_

**Xelha: **_(wiping her tears) _You really mean that?

**Lyude: **_(hesitantly) _Uh, yes, with all my- _(cut short. XELHA begins making out furiously with LYUDE, who tries to resist, but eventually gives in. KALAS and SAVYNA watch in shock as they go at it. LYUDE breaks away for a minute) _How about we go and take this, you know, somewhere else? _(XELHA nods and yanks LYUDE into the nearest dressing room, slamming the door behind her. Silence.)_

**Savyna: **_(after a moment) _Ok, now that's just wrong!

**Ana: **_(from the stage) _And now for our final act for the evening, get ready to laugh with the comedy of our favorite blue-haired delinquent, Kalas!

**Savyna: **_(pushing KALAS onstage) _Good luck, kid. I'm going to see if I can get that hoochie away from that poor Lyude before anything bad happens. _(takes off earrings) _Hold my earrings. _(Pushes up sleeve and storms to the dressing room. KALAS glances to the side as he makes his way on stage in front of the applauding crowd, remembering to pocket the earrings.) _

**Kalas: **Good evening, ladies and germs! Wow, have we got a crowd tonight! _(looks out into audience) _But I could have sworn there was at least double the amount of people here…Oh wait! That was before Geldoblame left! _(Crowd laughs) _Well, anyhow, true story…I was at the Magnus store one day and I saw this girl go up to the counter and ask for some rice paste and a Magnus for Headache Beans. When the clerk asked if it was for one person or two, she replied, "I'm not sure. Mommy broke her fancy serving platter, so she needs rice paste. And Daddy is what she broke the platter on!" _(Laughter and applause) _And while I was there…

**Savyna: **_(yelling from offstage) _Get the hell off of him, you hooker! **Deadly Heat Scythe! **_(An explosion can be heard from backstage and a quick burst flames blows KALAS in the face as he turns to see SAVYNA strutting onstage unharmed carrying an unconscious LYUDE on her back. She lays him on the floor and turns to KALAS.) _Well, it's a good thing I went in when I did, otherwise that charred little sleaze-burger over there would have taken advantage of Lyude. _(LYUDE moans and wakes up) _

**Lyude: **_(groggily) _Is she gone? Savyna, you saved me! What happened?

**Savyna: ** Xelha was trying to lead you on, but I wouldn't let that occur. Did she…you know…take it to "that" level?

**Lyude: **_(shocked) _Oh, absolutely not! You see, I still have all my clothes on! I swear upon my life that we did not-

**Kalas: **We believe you, man. You're an honest guy, and you're too respectful to ever do anything like that.

**Ana: **_(running up to KALAS) _Shouldn't we get a doctor? Xelha's almost burnt to a crisp!

**Kalas: **Uh…yeah! On the double!

**Ana: **We apologize, folks. We're going to take a break now. But in the meantime, make sure you vote for your favorite using your Voting Magnus. The lines will be open for a while, I guess, until we get Xelha to the emergency room. Run the commercials, Trill!


	6. Results: The SemiFinalists

**Disclaimers: I don't own Baten Kaitos, any television talent shows or any other stuff that isn't rightfully mine.**

**Sorry again for making you all wait. My Internet has been extremely screwy and I haven't had access to it in over a week. I pray that it will be up again soon!**

Results: The Semi-Finalists 

_(After about ten minutes of commercials, order is restored and the panicking audience is starting to die down. However, FADROH is seen walking down the aisle with a packet of Twizzlers and a cup of Sprite. He looks around, and finally finds a seat between AYME and KAMROH in the front row to the right of VALLYE)_

**Ayme: **Fadroh! What in hell's name are you doing back here?

**Fadroh:** Long story short; as much as I enjoy our marvelous Emperor's company, I can't help but feel that he can be very creepy at times! _(shudders) _I should have known better than to accept Geldoblame's invitation to his "exclusive" tea party!

**Ayme: **Oh, gross! That's too much information!

**Kamroh: **_(talking like a wise sage) _I always thought that, despite his impressively rotund stature, Geldoblame did in fact seem light in his loafers, if I may use the words of our ancestors, who one thousand years ago fought the perilous might of the defiled wicked god of lore, who in fact was-

**Ayme: **Oh, shove it up your big mask, Chief Roast Beef!

**Fadroh:** So…what did I miss?

**Ayme: **What didn't you miss? By god, that one blond girl was getting physical with a freaking chair, Lyude sang a song by Queen, and the one that used to be Lady Death blew up all of backstage left! And that idiot Folon is out for the count, so I nabbed a seat here. _(moves hand towards FADROH) _Come on now, you pansy, hand them over. _(FADROH reluctantly gives AYME a handful of Twizzlers)_

**Kamroh: **I think the show is about to begin! _(The lights dim again. The crowd cheers as ANA walk on stage with a microphone. Some risers are wheeled onstage by Greythornes.)_

**Ana: **We're so sorry for the delay, people! We had to take Xelha to the hospital, and even though the doctors say she's suffering third degree burns, she should recover. _(Some applause)_ However, here's the situation; Folon has suffered from a dislocated groin and Xelha won't be able to return for the show, which means both are disqualified. This being the case, we will only have to properly eliminate two of our contestants tonight. Your votes have been counted, so let's bring the remaining contestants out! _(MELODIA, MIZUTI, and GIBARI walk onstage and sit on the top row of risers. Then SAVYNA, LYUDE, and KALAS follow and sit on the bottom row. There are lots of cheers, and the front row is having a conversation.)_

**Azdar: **My chips are on Gibari. I've never seen anything like that! How about you?

**Reblys: **I voted for Savyna. Like I said, that woman has a mighty fine-

**Skeed: **_(interrupting excitedly) _Mizuti's act made me feel like a kid who didn't have Imperial ways stuffed down his throat! _(smiles and nudges VALLYE) _Come on, sis! Who'd you vote for?

**Vallye: **_(glowering at SKEED, folding arms across chest) _Melodia.

**Ayme: **What's wrong with you, woman! Who couldn't resist Lyude's surprisingly nice voice? Even if he is a twit, I have to hand it to him; I think my heart was going to melt! _(All lean over to look at KAMROH. Front row is silent.)_

**Kamroh: **Uh…I might have accidentally voted for Kalas. I meant to vote for Mizuti, whom, I should point out, is the last descendant of the ancient wizards of old, the noble ones who were able to-

**Fadroh: **I'm sorry, sir, but I have to agree with Ayme, you ranting is quite bothersome. _(KAMROH looks confused) _In other words, would you please shut up?

**Ana: **Alright, let's cut to the chase; Seated somewhere in these risers are the four semi finalists. Two will have to go home, or if they don't have a ride, suck it up and watch the rest of the show. Let's start with the top row…_(opens up envelope) _ Melodia, tonight you sang your own rendition of the song "Tomorrow". Corellia said that the song was perfect for your voice range, but Giacomo stated, and I quote, "That absolutely sucked!" The Sky voted…Melodia, you have been eliminated. _(Some applause, some groans. GIACOMO can be seen looking up with his hands folded, mouthing "Thank God!" MELODIA looks infuriated, her eyes glowing red.)_

**Melodia: **_(in a vicious tone) _ARG! You pathetic mortals! I wanted to win because I would use my singing to recruit servants for the evil god! Do you really think that you stand a chance over the awesome power of Malpercio? I'll be back, and all of you will be burning in hell, regretting the day you voted off Melodia! _(laughs insanely as she dashes off stage)_

**Ana: **O…kay then, moving on! Mizuti, you performed a magic show that had audience participation. All three judges had positive comments, and the audience thought the same way. You're safe! _(Audience cheers and MIZUTI does a little dance, then sits back down.)_ Gibari, you did a drum solo from the Led Zepplin song "Moby Dick". Ladekhan and Corellia enjoyed it, but Giacomo wasn't as entertained. When it came down to the audience, you received the second-highest amount of votes, making you a semi-finalist! _(Crowd cheers. MIZUTI gets up and dances again)_

**Mizuti: **The Great Mizuti and Gibari be awesome, be us not? _(high-fives GIBARI)_

**Ana: **You sure are…Three more left. Savyna, you danced the Evanescence song "My Immortal", which got mostly positive comments. That's why you…'re safe! _(Applause and male whoops) _And then there were two. Lyude and Kalas; who has the Sky chosen to end one of these young men's dream? Lyude sang "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen" while Kalas did some brief standup comedy. _(squints at envelope) _Lyude, would you please come here beside me? _(LYUDE hesitates, and with a worried glance at the other contestants, shuffles next to ANA)_ What are you thinking right now?

**Lyude: **_(worriedly) _I don't want to leave. Music has been my passion, the one thing that gave me hope during my darkest hours in Alfard; it's what kept me from losing my identity. But if I must leave, I wish Kalas the best, and Savyna…_(turns to SAVYNA) _thank you so much for saving me from Xelha. Words can't describe my gratitude I feel for you in allowing me to remain untainted. _(eyes start to well up)_

**Ana: **Well, Lyude I'm so sorry…sorry that I made you worried like that! **You're safe!** You got the highest amount of votes tonight! _(Crowd cheers and LYUDE starts crying from the shock. The other contestants, except for and KALAS, get up and give a group hug. Then, unexpectedly, LYUDE wraps his arms around SAVYNA and kisses her on the lips. Crowd goes utterly nuts. KALAS walks up to ANA) _

**Kalas: **Let me get this straight; there are four slots, and you already called four names. Does that mean I'm out too?

**Ana: **Sorry, my blue buddy, you received hardly any votes, what with the explosion and all. And in all honesty, your jokes kind of sucked.

**Kalas: **Hey, I spent four hours at the bar last night writing that material on the back of cocktail napkins! This blows! _(Turns to BIGBUCKS, his spirit guide)_ What do you say?

**Bigbucks: ** Go join Melodia and wreak havoc on all mankind or  No Kalas! Winning isn't everything. Yeah, maybe your jokes did suck, and by the way, you have horrible handwriting after having three shots of bourbon on the rocks. Oh, and that one napkin you were looking for that had the joke about Geldoblame the pollywhale? You used it to wipe your mouth after you barfed in the bathroom. And while I'm at it, you suck at flirting with Lyude's sister-

**Kalas: **Ok! I get it, I get it! Geez, why can't my spirit say something nice for once? _(Turns to see MELODIA walk towards him from offstage)_

**Melodia:** Come, my dear Kalas. Follow the words of your noble Bigbucks and come with me.

**Kalas: **As you wish Melodia. _(Pretty much nobody notices MELODIA and KALAS floating in a big bubble out of the theater. KALAS speaks as they leave) _Hey, do you get XM in this thing? _(MELODIA glares at him) _No? That's fine, but before we do that Angel of Darkness thing, can we stop and get a burger? I'm so hungry I can eat a- _(MELODIA continues to glare) _Alright, I'll shut up now. _(Both exit)_

**Ana: **There you have it, folks! The semi-finalists have been chosen, and by the end of tomorrow night, only two will remain. Who will win? It's up to you, people of the Sky! Be sure to tune in tomorrow night, and closing our show tonight, Lyude has to do that bellydance he promised earlier! _(LYUDE looks surprised, then remembers what he said. He looks to SAVYNA, who motions him to go ahead, and he does the exotic dance as the credits roll.)_


	7. SemiFinals: Savyna and Lyude

FINALLY UPDATED AS OF 11/6/06! WOOOOO!

**Disclaimers: I don't own Baten Kaitos or anything else mentioned in this story. Now, let's move on to night two of…**

**Baten Kaitos Talent Search**

Semi Finals: Savyna and Lyude

_(Once again, the theater at Komo Mai is jam-packed. There is a great deal of excitement, especially in the front row where, in order, sit AZDAR, REBLYS, SKEED, FOLON with an ice pack on his acrobatics injury, AYME, FADROH, and KAMROH, having a discussion before the show.)_

**Azdar: **I wonder what everyone is going to perform tonight. With the show they put on last night, this will be one hell of a night.

**Reblys: **I'm simply anxious about Savyna's dance. Her performance last night was top notch, and I can't see how anyone can turn down a woman with such a fine-

**Skeed: **_(interrupting, in an enthusiastic voice) _Mizuti's show is gonna rock! And tonight Vallye stayed home to watch "Sex and the City of Perkhad!" Go me!

**Folon: **_(clutches ice pack, stares at SKEED awkwardly)_ Dude, has anyone told you that you need some serious therapy? Ever since you entered the Imperial army, you were always stern and stuff, but now you're as carefree as a cloudgull! Wait…_(eyes SKEED suspiciously) _Did you steal my Prozac?

**Ayme: **No, Folon, he didn't. In fact, you overdosed threefold this morning, but I wasn't gonna tell you that; god knows you still act just as psycho no matter how much you take!

**Fadroh: **He must be, to come to the show less than twenty-four hours after obtaining a groin injury! _(sighs) _I talked to the producers this afternoon about getting back to the hosting tonight, but they said that Ana "has more appeal". I ask you, what makes that non-Imperial woman more appealing than a puffy-panted, emo-looking chap as myself?

**Kamroh:**_(pensively) _Well, if you consider that most of the finalists you see on stage have some sort of pulchritudinous characteristics about them, it can be concluded that the producers strove for a presence that matched, but not rivaled, the others in physical appearances, which I may note was one of the sacred tactics to the ancient wizards of old, who over one thousand years ago-

**Folon: **_(wincing in pain and screaming) _Ahhhg! No more! It hurts! Please make it stop! _(All stare at him) _No, I wasn't complaining about my crotch! _(AYME hits FOLON upside the head while FADROH tries the same to KAMROH, but accidentally breaks his wrist against it instead. The lights dim, and pop music plays as the lights and LCD screen appear. ANA walks onstage to a cheering crowd.)_

**Ana: **What's up, Anuenue! _(Crowd cheers) _I'm your host, Ana, and welcome to the semi-finals of our inter-island talent competition! _(More cheers) _Last night, we lost two of our competitors to self-inflicted injury, (I say that only because Xelha had it coming), and two more were voted out. So, tonight, the remaining four will put on their best performances yet in hope to win your votes, and you decide who moves on to the finals, and who has a shot at sky-wide fame! Let's see who our contenders are, in performing order. _(The LCD screen turns on) _First, we have the elegant, surprisingly feminine Savyna! _(SAVYNA is shown doing some stretches on the floor in a long, flowing emerald colored dress. Plenty of male cheers.) _And back to steal your hearts, the sweet crooning of Lyude! _(Girl fans go nuts as LYUDE is shown in a russet colored buttoned shirt, with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows and the top partially unbuttoned to reveal a chain with a ruby pendant, jeans, black boots, and a chocolate colored hat in his hand. With a smile at the camera, he smoothly spins his hat before placing it on his head. Several girls in the audience faint.) _ Then, back to amaze and amuse, the talented magic of Mizuti! _(MIZUTI is seen in her usual garb tossing her chakram around and occasionally conjuring a pen, a back scrubber, some of XELHA's self-help books one titled "So You Suck at Monarchy" by Duke Calbren, a potpie, and some random animals.) _ And to finish the show tonight, we'll get to hear the gnarly tunes of Gibari! _(GIBARI can be seen in a full denim outfit, with the top completely unbuttoned, along with a pair of shades. Numerous cheers.) _Who will win the grand prize, and who will have their dreams broken? Only two contestants will pass on to the next round, so choose carefully! Now, dancing to "My Heart Will Go On", give it up for Savyna! _(Crowd cheers as SAVYNA walks onstage in her sparkly emerald dress and gets in position for her first move. The lights dim and the music starts. She dances even more gracefully and fluidly than the previous night. REBLYS watches intently, then whispers to AZDAR.)_

**Reblys: **Isn't she something? For being a tomboy, she sure knows how to make a man feel weak at the knees. I guess it has to do with her fine-

**Azdar: **_(interrupting in a hushed voice) _Reblys, why do you have to be such a pervert? Here's a woman who embraces the art of dancing and all you can think about is her-

**Reblys: **No, no, no! You have it all wrong! All this time, you or someone else has always cut in just when I'm about to say-

**Azdar: **What?

**Reblys: **_(grunting) _Savyna has nice assets. _(AZDAR stares very awkwardly at him)_ What? She does! I mean, look at that gown! That had to have been about 20 thousand G, and that necklace; genuine diamond and opal…_(AZDAR slaps his forehead, and the song comes to an end. There is plenty of cheering from both sexes, and the judges prepare to speak.)_

**Ladekhan: **That was utterly amazing, my dear Savyna! I could go as far as to say that this is your best performance yet! Just how can you still be single? If I could have it my way, you'd be my queen in an instant!

**Corellia: **You'd have to fight Lyude for her first!

**Lyude**: _(from offstage) _I heard that!

**Corellia: **_(giving LADEKHAN a told-you-so look, then turning to SAVYNA) _Superb performance, Savyna! The technique was perfect, you captured the style brilliantly, you are truly multi-million G material!

**Giacomo: **That was good. Tonight, I was actually entertained! There were a few shaky parts, but I wouldn't put it past you to make it to the finals. _(Crowd cheers as SAVYNA walks off the stage)_

**Ana: **Wonderful indeed!And now, our next semi-finalist has stolen the hearts of our audience before; let's see if he can do it again! Here to sing "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word", the one and only Lyude! _(Earsplitting cheers commence as LYUDE comes on stage in his handsome outfit, complete with his hat. He sits at the piano and after the cheering dies down a bit, he begins to play the delicate opening. Then, he sings in a crooner's voice)_

_in his handsome outfit, complete with his hat. He sits at the piano and after the cheering dies down a bit, he begins to play the delicate opening. Then, he sings in a crooner's voice)_

**Lyude:** Whad've I gotta do to make you love me?  
Whad've I gotta do to make you care?  
What do I do when lightning strikes me  
And I wake to find that you're not there

What do I do to make you want me?  
Whad've I gotta do to be heard?  
What do I say when it's all over?  
Sorry seems to be the hardest word

It's sad  
So sad  
It's a sad, sad situation  
But it's getting more and more absurd

It's sad  
So sad  
Why can't we talk it over?  
Oh, it seems to me  
That sorry seems to be the hardest word.

(_LYUDE repeats chorus, this time with passion and a whole electric guitar shebang)_

It's sad  
So sad  
It's a sad, sad situation  
But it's getting more and more absurd  
It's sad  
So sad  
Why can't we talk it over?  
Oh, it seems to me  
That sorry seems to be the hardest word.

_(LYUDE sings softer and more tenderly)_

Whad've I gotta do to make you love me?  
Whad've I gotta do to be heard?  
What do I do when lightning strikes me  
Whad've I got to do?  
Whad've I got to do?  
When sorry seems to be the hardest word.

_(LYUDE holds out the last note as he plays the final chords, letting them ring. Once again, he receives a standing ovation and the crowd response is overwhelming. This continues for a minute straight before ANA comes to LYUDE's side and speaks.)_

**Ana: **Another phenomenal performance, Lyude! Once again, you've blown the audience away and you have them on their feet! _(Crowd cheers again) _Now, it's time for the judges' opinions…

_(Somewhere behind the theater…)_

* * *

_(MELODIA and KALAS are seen in sparkly disco outfits, watching the guarded backstage door from behind a dumpster)_

**Kalas: **Are these retarded suits really necessary?

**Melodia: **Shut up! These are a disguise! Besides, you're the Angel of Darkness now! As Malpercio's loyal servant, I have total control over you! There's no turning back once you've been touched by the god!

**Kalas: **_(Silence) _Do you know how wrong that sounds?

**Melodia: **Just shut your trap! _(Pulls out Malpercio's Evil Tazer Gun and pokes KALAS, officially turning him into DARK KALAS) _Now, are you ready to obey, my dear?

**Dark Kalas: **Yes, Melodia.

**Melodia: **The task I am about to charge you with is vital to the success of this plan, this evil, evil plan! This vilely evilish devilish plan!

**Dark Kalas: **Your wish is my command.

**Melodia: **Good. I need you to run to Subway and get me one of their six inch subs with tuna, (make sure it's in water, not oil), and have them add lettuce, two slices of tomato, pickles, (polish, not the dill), peppercorns sliced into strips, olive oil, (they'll burn in hell if they ask for vinaigrette dressing) and a large Coke. And then…I want you to stop by the coffee shop and pick up a copy of the Wazn Street Journal. And **then**, we shall execute "Operation Final Demise"! _(Laughs insanely. DARK KALAS rolls his eyes and runs off)_


	8. SemiFinals: Gibari and Mizuti

**Ms. Kreatopita: REJOICE!!!!!! I'm finally back on track, and I say it deserves a party! Bring the music!**

**Kalas: _(brings in heavy metal CD collection and a huge boombox)_ Got it!**

**Ms. K: Bring the champagne!**

**Xelha: _(carries at least a half dozen bottles in her hands) _Right here!**

**Ms. K: Bring in Lyude the Stripper!**

**Lyude: …the hell?**

**Disclaimers: I do not own Baten Kaitos, any talent shows, or any materialistic things for that matter…**

**Baten Kaitos Talent Search**

Gibari and Mizuti 

_(In the crowd, the usual suspects in the front row sit, chatting during the commercial break. Then, out of the blue, CATRANE, KODELE, AND GLADYSS waddle, glide, and strut respectively down the aisle and sit in the row behind them.)_

**Ayme: **_(turning to the three witches) _Shouldn't you all be with your Fudgesicle Queen, making sure she doesn't die or anything?

**Kodele: **Her Majesty is doing very fine and seems to be reviving at a quick rate.

**Gladdys: **Indeed, I have never seen her so calm and happy while in such a ridiculously fatal position with 99.5 of her skin as crispy as a bag of pork rinds.

**Catrane: **_(jumping up and down) _Yes! Queen Xelha was oh so giddy, and she was singing happy nonsense songs like a little child, and laughing cheerily. She told everyone that walked by how much she loved them, and she had so much fun playing with the button hooked up to the I.V.

**Folon: **_(whispering to AYME) _I don't think these old farts know a thing about modern medicine…

**Fadroh: **_(turning to the three witches) _Sorry to interrupt your…"positive"tidings, but did any of you consider that she was hooked up to an I.V. filled with morphine? _(Silence)_

**Kodele: **_(clearly oblivious to what was just said) _I think it comes from Queen Xelha having come from a brave lineage of Ice Queens.

**Gladdys: **Indeed!

**Catrane: **Well said!

**Kodele: **I must agree!

**Gladdys: **Quite so!

**Catrane: **Funky fresh!

**Folon: **Shut up! The show's about to start! _(All immediately hush as the lights dim and the pop music plays once again. ANA walks onstage and the crowd applauds)_

**Ana: **Welcome back, Anuenue! Even with only four contestants remaining, the competition is becoming more intense by the moment. Already, two of our contestants have put on their best performances all season, and only two more have to dish it out in hope of winning your votes. So, without further ado, please welcome back the rocking oarsman from Diadem, whose tunes are tighter than Geldoblame's pants after raiding a buffet…the one and only Gibari! _(Crowd claps as GIBARI comes onstage with a guitar made of thunderfish bone hooked up to a huge amplifier. He is dressed in his denim suit and shades, and with a nod to the Greythorne at the drum set, he starts up a psychedelic Jimmy Hendrix guitar song.)_

_(Meanwhile, in the back of the studio…)_

_(MELODIA is seen near the back door of the studio sitting on the stairs, holding a copy of the Wazn Street Journal in one hand and a Subway sandwich in the other. She reads it while KALAS adjusts his sparkly disco suit and tries out his platform shoes.)_

**Melodia: **_(reading from the newspaper) _Ugh…Dark and Chronos Magnus are down by twelve points and the sea bream has gone down by 6.5. What has the Sky come to?!

**Kalas: **_(looking over MELODIA's shoulder and pointing to various parts of the report) _Well, you might want to consider investing in Water and Wind Magnus, seeing as they're at a constant rate now and projected to increase by thirty points each by the third quarter; and with the rise of oil prices in Alfard, together with the 1.6 jump in Nashira taxes, you'd be safe with putting half of your shares with sea bream into the airship industry until Mirage Weed picks back up in the first quarter of the coming year.

**Melodia: **_(devilishly) _Yes, and once next year's inflation kicks in, we'll take advantage of the declining Fire Magus and musical instrument shares, expand their promotion through advertisement, and then we'll buy out the stock market and rule the world! **_Wait…_**What the hell am I talking about?!

**Kalas: **You mean you finally remembered your vilely evilish devilish plan? _(points at his and her sparkly disco suits as a reminder)_

**Melodia: **Shut your face! Didn't I just turn you into Dark Kalas a while ago?

**Kalas: **_(taking out a bottle of pills and shaking them) _Antidepressants can work wonders!

**Melodia: **Where are you trying to go with that? Are you saying that the Touch of the Almightily Mighty Evil God Malpercio (patent pending) is just a simple bout of depression that pill popping can cure?

**Kalas: **_(passing the pills her way after consuming one half of the bottle) _Why? You want some?

**Melodia: **_(pouting and visibly infuriated) _ARG! What I need is the Angel of Darkness, not some druggie who could mock his own mother without a care in the world and vomit in the face of a god with his words of utter stupidity! _(thinks for a second, then says to herself) _I need to get Kalas back in touch with his dark side…perhaps if I rubbed alcohol on a wound in his heart that will never heal for the rest of his days…

**Kalas: **That's not funny, you know; I have one wing and **that** will hurt for the rest of my days…_ (turns to some unseen camera and speaks in a formal voice) _Discrimination against one-winged people is not only unjust; it is defamation to the entire principle of the Wings of the Soul. We all have, within us, a pair of wings that want to break free of the bonds of oppression and soar together in harmony, without prejudice against those who are aerially handicapped. Please donate to the One Wing, One World Fund by calling 1-800-ONE-WING or if you feel sorry for totally wingless people like Lyude, call this number. _(LYUDE's cell phone number appears on the bottom of the screen with fine white print stating "One Wing, One World is not responsible for fangirl-related spaz attacks)_

**Melodia: **_(whacking KALAS on the head with a rolled up Wazn Street Journal, knocking him out for the count) _One wing, one less idiot to have to deal with! Humph! I'll just have to do this myself! _(tries to drag KALAS into through the open studio door, but can't bear the weight. Having only dragged him halfway through the door, she finally calls upon a South Beach diet Magnus, making KALAS a whole lot thinner. She now drags him into the studio.)_

_(Back onstage…)_

_(During this time, GIBARI has already received his positive comments and gone backstage. Now MIZUTI is in the middle of a mind bogglingly awesome magic show. Already, she has conjured all four members of Il Divo, turned SKEED's Imperial uniform into a frilly dress, made an elephant fly around the studio, and turned KODELLE, CATRANNE, and GLADYSS into Playboy Bunnies. Now MIZUTI searches among the audience.)_

**Mizuti: **The Great Mizuti be needing another volunteer. One who be brave. Courageous. Not girly like Lyude. _(She spots her target) _Ah! You there! You be willing to come onstage for the Great Mizuti? Come now. It be only one trick. A single one. No more than three. _(A confused LLOYD from Tales of Symphonia steps onstage, urged on by the crowd) _

**Lloyd: **What the hell? How did I get here? Oh god, I have to get back to the group before Kratos beats the crap out of me, or worse, bores me to death!

**Mizuti: **Now, now, relax! Calm down! Take a chill pill! You be the perfect young lady for this next trick!

**Lloyd: **_(reddening with embarrassment and trying to get a hold of himself)_ What the…?I'm not a girl! And I'm supposed to be traveling the world searching for some towers in order to save the world from an evil, impending hellfire doom with a hot blond chick, my Albino friend, his PMS-crazy sister and some tough guy who gets more girls than me!

**Mizuti: **Someone be having too many Beer Magnus! _(crowd laughs and cheers)_ Now, for this trick, I be needing you to get into this suspicious Chinatown box. _(Said object appears out of nowhere) _Now, you be standing right in here. _(Levitates LLOYD and crams him into the box) _Now, the Great Mizuti be tossing not one, not two, not three, not four, not five…

_(Five minutes later)_

**Mizuti: **_(still talking) _…not four hundred ninety-nine, but **five hundred knives** at the box. Be you ready! _(Does not hear LLOYD's muffled swears as she conjures exactly five hundred and one knives one to pick her teeth with and hurls them at the box. Gasps from the crowd. The box is covered in knives. Casually, MIZUTI goes over to the box and knocks on the door.)_

**Mizuti: **Hello? You be alright in there? _(Not a sound. Opens the door a crack and peeks in. A small stream of red liquid leaks out of the door of the box) (Silence) (Gulps and mutters) _Oh crapcakes! _(Quickly disappears offstage, leaving the box behind, as the auditorium erupts with panic.)_

**Ana: **I'm sorry folks. It seems that one of Mizuti's tricks went terribly wrong…Please join us tomorrow night for the results to see who will move up to the finals. Ugh, I think I have to throw up! _(Clutches her mouth and runs offstage along with other contestants and producers)_


	9. Results: The Finalists

**Disclaimers: I do not own Baten Kaitos, or a good enough excuse for not working on this that would not make you throw projectiles at me. This story is long overdue for completion, and I want to finish it ASAP! Thank you to all the loyal readers who have stuck with the show up until this point!**

**Now, please put up your kitchen knives and enjoy this very belated installment of…**

**Baten Kaitos Talent Search**

The Finalists _Are_…

_(The Regulars, in addition to the three Ice Witches, sit in the front row and chat calmly as pandemonium ensues all around them following MIZUTI's performance. Some people shriek obnoxiously, while others faint, vomit in their popcorn buckets, or have heart attacks [in some cases all of this simultaneously. The stage is dark and has been evacuated, and in the dimness a Greythorne can be seen mopping the little lake of blood up. Pushing through the havoc towards the front row, SKEED returns from the bathroom completely unaware of the previous occurrence. He plops down between REBLYS and FOLON.)_

**Skeed: **_(to REBLYS, sighing and with a slight smile on his face)_ So, what did I miss?

**Reblys: **_(giving SKEED a very awkward look) _All I'm gonna say is that you don't wanna know. _(shakes his head and turns to AZDAR) _I wonder how the finalists are gonna be decided. Mizuti will almost certainly get the boot from the executive producers before the voting starts, so what about the other three?

**Azdar: **Whatever the case, I just want Savyna to win! Thanks to you, Reblys, I've discovered that true beauty goes deeper than just having a fine-

**Folon: **Does anyone else here have an ominous feeling that something horrendous may occur at any given moment? _(All stare at him)_

**Ayme: **No.

**Kodelle: **Not a thing.

**Gladdys: **Really now?

**Catranne: **Nuh-uh.

**Reblys: **Nope.

**Azdar: **I don't feel anything.

**Fadroh:** I think your groin injury is making you hear things.

**Kamroh: **I would have to contradict the untrue statement that I do not, not feel no thing, or that I do not, not, not, not, not feel not nothing. Though in fact if I do not feel nothing, I would indeed feel something, but seeing as I do not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not feel something, I would have to conclude that I do not feel a thing, just as our ancestors did one thousand years ago when they were entangled in the perilous fight against the nefarious, disreputable might of the evil god-

**Prince of Persia: **Shut the hell up, meat wad! _(jumps from a seat behind KAMROH and chops his head off, which rolls onto the floor. He then rewinds time back to his line)_…the hell up, doofus!

**Fadroh: **Wasn't that supposed to be "meat wad", not "doofus"?

**Prince of Persia: **_(gasps and steps back) _I see…you are unaffected by the Sands of Tme…No! It can't be! The Dahaka has taken the form of a gay man and come to erase my existence! By Shiva's boxers, I must defy Fate yet again! HYAAAAAAAAAA! _(he runs out of the theater shouting his battle cry insanely, while the Regulars look on in confusion.)_

**Azdar: **Don't worry guys, I know him from my PTSD meetings. _(calls back to PRINCE who bolts out the door) _See you Wednesday, bud! _(turns back to Regulars) _Helluva pal, I tell ya!

**Catranne: **Hey, I start they're thinking up – I mean, I think they're starting up! _(Entire crowd stops in mid-action as the house lights dim again and the pop music begins to play. Nervously, the crowd takes their seats again and claps insecurely as ANA reappears onstage.)_

**Ana: **Welcome back. I'm afraid I have some horrible news…Mizuti has been arrested and charged with possession of an illegal weapon. She has therefore been disqualified from the competition. And on a less important note, Lloyd died on the way to the hospital. _(Four distinct cheers are heard from the balcony seating) _Genis, Rayne, Collette, Kratos, if you would kindly stop holding a victory party in the balcony. _(Turns back to the audience and speaks in a more excited voice) _But your votes have been counted, Anuenue, and our two finalists have been decided! _(Crowd cheers as normal) _With only two spots and three contestants to choose from, who will be sent home? Will it be Savyna the graceful dancer, or the crooning Lyude, or the rocking Gibari? Why don't we find out…after this short break!

_(Meanwhile behind stage…)_

* * *

_(MELODIA has woken KALAS up with some martini olives, and now they crouch in their disco suits near a door labeled with a star that says "Lyude")_

**Melodia:** Our first initiative in "Operation Final Demise" is to eliminate all other competition. Once that is done, the rich snooty producers will have no choice but to let me be crowned the champion! And with my newly endowed title, I will spread the reign of Malpercio to the four corners of the Sky! _(laughs maliciously)_

**Kalas:** Uh, no you won't…

**Melodia: **What?! Is my Angel of Darkness openly doubting the omnipotent potency of the potentful rule of the potent Malpercio?

**Kalas: **I don't give a ollifant's ass about evil gods. What I'm saying is that…_(pulls out a contract that unfurls all the way to the floor and reads) _…and I quote, "If ever the incident should arise that an crazy, evil-god-worshipping little brat tries to burn, drown, shoot, scalp, choke, explode, impale, slice, dice, dissect, mutilate, decapitate, lobotomize, castrate, etc., all of the other contestants for her own benefit, then she will be sentenced to a lifetime of evangelical Christian hospitality services." End quote. _(contract magically rolls itself back up) _Besides, you'd still have me to face, remember?

**Melodia: **_(shouting in agony) _NO! I don't want to be surrounded by religion! God of atheism, don't subject me to – _(is hit with a sudden revelation)_ Ahhh…but we don't have to kill them all. Yet.

**Kalas: **_(rolling his eyes) _ Oh god, here we go again…

**Melodia: **_(oblivious to KALAS' comment) _Indeed, if we gradually pick the final three off, using non-lethal methods, then it will appear as though there was no evil god intervention! Melodia, you are a sly little fox!

**Kalas: **_(muttering under his breath) _No, you're just a stuck-up twit who finally used the off-brand version of common sense…

**Melodia: **_(spins around, her eyes glowing red, in a demented voice) _Did you say something, you worthless subordinate? _(KALAS, scared, hurriedly shakes his head to deny the accusation. Back to her normal voice) _Thought not. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a contestant to harass. _(She and KALAS quietly open the door to LYUDE's dressing room and slip in unnoticed. LYUDE is sitting in his makeup chair, his back to them, reading the latest edition of "Cebalrai Illustrated" magazine. He flips past the Trill centerfold, reads for a second, and then looks up at his mirror. He's nearly blinded by the sparkly silver disco suit of MELODIA refracting in the mirror. LYUDE turns to face her)_

**Lyude: **I demand a reason why you and Kalas have invaded my privacy! _(hastily stands up while behind him, KALAS rushes behind a conveniently placed mini fridge.)_

**Melodia: **_(looking around and replying innocently) _Kalas? I don't see a Kalas here…

**Lyude: **_(whipping his head around, confused) _Really, now? I could have sworn he was here just a minute ago…_(turns his head towards the mini fridge, just missing a tuft of blue hair sinking below it. MELODIA takes advantage of this distraction to unbutton her disco top and to let her girls say hello. He slowly turns his head back around) _That's odd; how could that possibly – **AAAAAAAAGH! **_(faints dead away)_

**Melodia: **_(closes her shirt and buttons it) _Introverted sissy's probably never even seen a girl in a bra…Kalas! Feed him to…_(wrings her hands in an evil manner) _…the fangirls!

**Kalas: **_(gasps in shock) _Th-the fangirls? Melodia, how could you be so cruel?! For pretty guys such as Lyude and myself, that's worse than death! Many handsome men would rather undergo a slow, painful death than have rabid fangirls turn loose on him! Why, I've seen some men go eunuch rather than face such torture! Personally, I would just as soon eat my own –

**Melodia: **_(screaming in rage) _**Just get it over with, you oedipal piece of excrement, before I set the fangirls on you, too!**_ (KALAS obeys without further question, dragging the unconscious LYUDE out of the dressing room and towards the main lobby, where a pack of ecstatic fangirls await.)_

_(Meanwhile, back on stage…)_

* * *

_(The commercial for Celestial Alps Travel Agencies has ended. ANA, with an envelope in her hand, comes back onstage, where three stools are now set up.)_

**Ana: **Now for the moment you have all been waiting for; your votes have been counted, and here in my hand I hold the names of the two who will stay with us another night. Which of these fabulously talented stars will have to leave us? Who will be one step closer to fame? Let's bring our final three out! _(Crowd cheers as GIBARI and SAVYNA walk out on stage. Slowly but surely, the cheers turn to hushed, concerned whispers as they wait for the third contestant)_

**Savyna: **_(whispering loudly to GIBARI) _Where's Lyude?

**Gibari: **_(shrugging) _Hell if I know. Though I doubt it has anything to do with me seeing a guy who looked like Kalas dragging an unconscious guy who looked like Lyude to a mob of fangirls…

**Catranne: **_(calling out over the din from the rear lobby doors) _Lyude's been raped – I mean, mugged! _(The camera crew follows behind as ANA, SAVYNA, GIBARI, the Judges, and the Regulars run ahead of the crowd to behold a battered LYUDE sprawled out in the lobby, once again knocked out. The Regulars keep the crowd back while the Judges examine LYUDE)_

**Giacomo: **_(checking for a pulse) _Dear god, what monster named Melodia could have done this?

**Corellia: **Someone is trying to sabotage the show…I have a feeling that Lyude was only the beginning.

**Fadroh: **_(running from the defense line and addressing the Judges) _The press has been shooting live, with millions watching sky-wide, and now this has to happen! Our ratings will go down for sure and the producers will have all of our heads! Do you think we should cancel the rest of the competition to avoid a conspiracy?

**Ladekhan: **No, the show must go on! _(the crowd hushes as he turns to the main camera and speaks firmly.)_ We can't give up. That's exactly what our perpetrators expect, dear Fadroh; for us to surrender. Well, I am here to tell you now, Anuenue, and fellow dwellers of the sky watching from their homes, that as a judge and co-producer of this show, I will do all I can to keep this show running! _(Some cheers from the crowd.) _True, what has happened to Lyude will not go unpunished, and we pray profoundly for his quick recovery, but it is times like these when we must come together as a people and move forward! Why dishonor the thousands who initially auditioned for this show? Why extinguish the dream of our brilliant finalists? Why leave audiences everywhere unable to watch or participate in such a top-notch television program? No, what we must do now is get Lyude to a hospital, and then carry on with the finals. Let's show our oppressors the true strength of the viewer! _(Entire crowd breaks out into a loud cheer and applause.)_

**Ana: **_(wiping tears from her eyes) _ What a beautiful speech, sir! Please join us tomorrow night for our fateful finals round! It's Savyna vs. Gibari; how will the performances stand against the magnitude of recent events? From Komo Mai, stay safe and have a good night! _(Credits roll)_


End file.
